I have just made an announcement... over on my new blog.
http://missmilo.typepad.com
Hope to see you there :)
Monday, September 21, 2009
Sunday, September 13, 2009
High as a kite?
Yesterday had all the ingredients of a lovely day. Firstly, it was sunny and 29 degrees (made even more wonderful after the rainy-and-15-degree weekends we've experienced in Melbourne lately). Secondly, I had an aqua aerobics date with Tully in the morning. And thirdly, I knew I would get to spend a couple of hours in the afternoon in the beautiful park down the end of the street with Mr M, flying our kite, Kitey (very original naming happens in our household - ha!). :)
So why did I have to ruin it all by having a day-long binge?
It started when I first woke up and remembered we had no cereal or bread in the house (Saturday is usually shopping day), so I made the interesting decision to make pancakes for breakfast. Which would have been fine if they weren't and three inches thick and if I didn't have three of them, covered with sugar.
After aqua, Tully and I wandered through the market that was set up outside the pool, and I purchased a delicious crusty loaf of sourdough bread from the Dench Bakery stand - bad idea. Came home and pottered around a bit, felt a bit tired, lonely (M was at work) and depressed by the idea of doing the housework that I knew needed to be done, and proceeded to eat two thirds of the enormous loaf dunked in two bowls of tomato soup. At least there was no butter in the house or it could have been even worse.
In the evening, M had to go back to work (he works in hospitality, hence the weird weekend hours) and once again I was back to feeling bored and lonely. After weighing up my options (desperately wanted to be out of the house or at least have some company but too scared to pick up the phone - depression strikes again), I decided to settle in for an OC marathon. Despite still being full from the bread incident, I boiled up some pasta and polished off a huge bowl with parmesan cheese and cracked pepper - not a vegetable in sight. Then, overwhelmed by the saltiness in my mouth, I thought I would make another batch of pancakes. I lost count of how many I ate after I got to four. It was like I was in a trance - I barely tasted the pancakes and didn't even register whether or not I was still hungry. It didn't matter, as long as I was eating and not thinking about my problems. (The worst thing is with my binging that I have an enormous appetite, so I really can eat this much food and barely even feel full.)
I just don't know what to do with myself any more. I'm just so lonely at the moment - I have plenty of people I could have called last night, but I felt too overwhelmed by the thought of actually talking to any of them that I decided instead to wallow in my house, alone, trying to numb my pain with food. I so badly want a lifestyle where I spend weekend days doing healthy, active things, and go out to dinner or drinks in the evening rather than hanging at home - mostly alone - with my cat and the remote control, but I feel so bad about myself at the moment and so incredibly low that I just can't bring myself to get up off the couch. Even when M doesn't have to work in the evening on weekends it's not much better, as he's a homebody and would never think to initiate going out.
Today has been much the same - I did avoid the pancakes for breakfast (mostly because we have run out of flour), but I've just eaten another huge bowl of pasta for lunch when I really wasn't hungry - you'd think I'd learn. I'm going out shopping soon, so at least I'll be out of the house - although if I wasn't meeting someone there no doubt I'd find a good excuse to stay home.
Sorry again for the downer post. I spent ages this morning avoiding writing it, fearing what people will think of me... but now I'm just going to swallow my pride and hit 'publish'.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Hello :)
Hello long lost blog pals!
I’m sure most of you have probably given up on me by now, since it has been two months since I last popped my head in here (and many more than that since I posted with any sense of regularity). But hopefully at least a couple of you are still checking in :) I miss you all!
It hasn't been a great couple of months in my world, hence falling off the face of the earth and being so out of touch. Mr M and I have had some troubles with our much-loved kitties (who are like family to us) – they both became very ill and were diagnosed with terminal cancer within days of each other. Sadly, we decided to say goodbye to our poor little Poddie on 4 August, after she had a seizure and spent several days on a drip at the vet deteriorating in health. Her illness came on very suddenly – she didn’t really show any signs of being unwell until four days before she passed away. I still miss her dreadfully – she was such a beautiful, affectionate girl, and it’s just not the same in our little flat without her.
Our other cat, Blackie, was diagnosed with lymphoma just a week before Poddie became sick – it has spread throughout his body, and there is really nothing we can do besides chemo, which I just don’t want to put him through (he has kidney problems which would complicate things, and absolutely hates going to the vet and being poked and prodded). But he is doing okay, nearly six weeks after the vet warned us that he would probably not be with us much longer – he is a fighter! (He had cancer of the mouth a couple of years ago, too – completely unrelated to the lymphoma – which we had removed.) He’s very needy and sooky at the moment but is still eating (albeit hot roast chicken and tuna – spoiled boy!) so fingers crossed we don’t have to make any more horrible decisions any time soon.
Work has also been insane; I've been going crazy trying to deal with one of my staff members, who I unfortunately didn’t realise was a manipulative and toxic bully until AFTER her probationary period ended. She has pretty much made my life a misery over the past six months, but she finally resigned a couple of weeks ago and things are slowly improving. I waver between hating my job and wanting to quit, to liking it again and feeling supported and appreciated. Not sure yet what will end up happening. I kind of feel like I'm in limbo.
In happier news, Mr M and I have had a fun month with lots of visitors – first M’s cousin, who has recently moved to Melbourne, stayed with us for a month while she sorted herself out with job, house etc. I just adore her, she’s so fun and a vegetarian too, so we had lots of yummy cook-ups! Then we had Amanda and her lovely man Jay stay with us for a few days, which was great - a bit tricky squeezing everyone into our small apartment though! We spent a morning shopping in Fitzroy (mostly at the Rose Street Artists’ Market – my new favourite place to shop), had nice dinners and drinks out, had brunch at Apte with Cinders, Tully and Bee, went to St Kilda and had fish & chips, and did a road trip to the Yarra Valley, where we saw beautiful animals at Healesville Sanctuary had the best pizza EVER at a funky winery that reminded me a bit of Little Creatures in Perth. Definitely worth a visit!
Baby koala - way too cute!
Weight loss, I don't even want to talk about. As I'm sure you can imagine I've dealt with the stresses of the last couple of months by doing what I always do: eating. I didn't even want to think about what I was consuming or how it might be affecting my health; there was just too much other stuff going on in my life and to have to control myself with food as well as deal with the loss of my kitten and all the work stuff was completely overwhelming. I've now put 10kg of what I lost last year back on, which is really distressing to me. I've spent a lot of time over the past couple of months worrying that I'll never, ever get my shit together, I'll never be able to deal with the problems in my life without resorting to food, and I'll never be fit and healthy. Slowly, now that things have started to get back to normal, I'm starting to get a bit of my old positivity back.
So where to next? I'm going to be doing a lot of thinking over the next couple of months. I'm very aware that every time I start and fail another weight loss mission without actually changing my approach I'm just tearing my self-esteem and confidence to pieces even more. Right now I'm feeling so fragile and burnt out that the idea of not being able to resort to food to ease my pain is almost unbearable.
But I know I have to do something. I hate living like this: feeling as though I have absolutely no control over my body; worrying about the fact that my 'baby making' years won't last forever and I'm in no shape to even consider becoming a parent now; hating myself for my complete and utter lack of disclipline around food. I care too much about the people in my life (namely M) to put them through this for much longer.
So, that's where I'm at. I'm sorry to come back with such a downer post, but as they say, it can only get better from here! That's what I keep telling myself, anyway.
Thank you for everyone who has stuck by me over the last couple of months. I really appreciate your support.
xxx
I’m sure most of you have probably given up on me by now, since it has been two months since I last popped my head in here (and many more than that since I posted with any sense of regularity). But hopefully at least a couple of you are still checking in :) I miss you all!
It hasn't been a great couple of months in my world, hence falling off the face of the earth and being so out of touch. Mr M and I have had some troubles with our much-loved kitties (who are like family to us) – they both became very ill and were diagnosed with terminal cancer within days of each other. Sadly, we decided to say goodbye to our poor little Poddie on 4 August, after she had a seizure and spent several days on a drip at the vet deteriorating in health. Her illness came on very suddenly – she didn’t really show any signs of being unwell until four days before she passed away. I still miss her dreadfully – she was such a beautiful, affectionate girl, and it’s just not the same in our little flat without her.
Our other cat, Blackie, was diagnosed with lymphoma just a week before Poddie became sick – it has spread throughout his body, and there is really nothing we can do besides chemo, which I just don’t want to put him through (he has kidney problems which would complicate things, and absolutely hates going to the vet and being poked and prodded). But he is doing okay, nearly six weeks after the vet warned us that he would probably not be with us much longer – he is a fighter! (He had cancer of the mouth a couple of years ago, too – completely unrelated to the lymphoma – which we had removed.) He’s very needy and sooky at the moment but is still eating (albeit hot roast chicken and tuna – spoiled boy!) so fingers crossed we don’t have to make any more horrible decisions any time soon.
Work has also been insane; I've been going crazy trying to deal with one of my staff members, who I unfortunately didn’t realise was a manipulative and toxic bully until AFTER her probationary period ended. She has pretty much made my life a misery over the past six months, but she finally resigned a couple of weeks ago and things are slowly improving. I waver between hating my job and wanting to quit, to liking it again and feeling supported and appreciated. Not sure yet what will end up happening. I kind of feel like I'm in limbo.
In happier news, Mr M and I have had a fun month with lots of visitors – first M’s cousin, who has recently moved to Melbourne, stayed with us for a month while she sorted herself out with job, house etc. I just adore her, she’s so fun and a vegetarian too, so we had lots of yummy cook-ups! Then we had Amanda and her lovely man Jay stay with us for a few days, which was great - a bit tricky squeezing everyone into our small apartment though! We spent a morning shopping in Fitzroy (mostly at the Rose Street Artists’ Market – my new favourite place to shop), had nice dinners and drinks out, had brunch at Apte with Cinders, Tully and Bee, went to St Kilda and had fish & chips, and did a road trip to the Yarra Valley, where we saw beautiful animals at Healesville Sanctuary had the best pizza EVER at a funky winery that reminded me a bit of Little Creatures in Perth. Definitely worth a visit!
Baby koala - way too cute!
Weight loss, I don't even want to talk about. As I'm sure you can imagine I've dealt with the stresses of the last couple of months by doing what I always do: eating. I didn't even want to think about what I was consuming or how it might be affecting my health; there was just too much other stuff going on in my life and to have to control myself with food as well as deal with the loss of my kitten and all the work stuff was completely overwhelming. I've now put 10kg of what I lost last year back on, which is really distressing to me. I've spent a lot of time over the past couple of months worrying that I'll never, ever get my shit together, I'll never be able to deal with the problems in my life without resorting to food, and I'll never be fit and healthy. Slowly, now that things have started to get back to normal, I'm starting to get a bit of my old positivity back.
So where to next? I'm going to be doing a lot of thinking over the next couple of months. I'm very aware that every time I start and fail another weight loss mission without actually changing my approach I'm just tearing my self-esteem and confidence to pieces even more. Right now I'm feeling so fragile and burnt out that the idea of not being able to resort to food to ease my pain is almost unbearable.
But I know I have to do something. I hate living like this: feeling as though I have absolutely no control over my body; worrying about the fact that my 'baby making' years won't last forever and I'm in no shape to even consider becoming a parent now; hating myself for my complete and utter lack of disclipline around food. I care too much about the people in my life (namely M) to put them through this for much longer.
So, that's where I'm at. I'm sorry to come back with such a downer post, but as they say, it can only get better from here! That's what I keep telling myself, anyway.
Thank you for everyone who has stuck by me over the last couple of months. I really appreciate your support.
xxx
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Weigh in - week one
Sorry for the week of silence. I've been in bed for the last few days with a yukky tummy bug - gosh, I'm sick of all the revolting germs going around at the moment! I've been good to my body this time and spent many hours tucked up in bed, trying to resist the urge to check my work email from home every five minutes. It's horrible having a job where you can't even relax when you're sick for fear of all the disasters that could be happening in your absense!
I was pretty excited to go to WW this morning, but also a bit sad because I knew I wouldn't be able to take full credit for what the scales said - given that I barely ate at all on Thursday and mostly ate light meals yesterday. I tried to drink a lot of water to minimise water weight loss, and had a normal brekkie this morning, but not sure if that really made much of a difference.
Regardless, I was very happy when I stood on the scales and discovered I'd lost 2kg! I figure at least one of those kilos must have been due to my hard work and not just the forced sickness fast :) Just hope that my weight doesn't spike again once I start eating normally, because that could be bad for next week's weigh in. Oh well, only time will tell.
Anyway, I'm still only semi lucid so might head back to my sick bed. Hope you're all doing well; I've been slack with my blog reading this week but promise I'll be back on board as soon as I'm healthy.
Take care
xxx
I was pretty excited to go to WW this morning, but also a bit sad because I knew I wouldn't be able to take full credit for what the scales said - given that I barely ate at all on Thursday and mostly ate light meals yesterday. I tried to drink a lot of water to minimise water weight loss, and had a normal brekkie this morning, but not sure if that really made much of a difference.
Regardless, I was very happy when I stood on the scales and discovered I'd lost 2kg! I figure at least one of those kilos must have been due to my hard work and not just the forced sickness fast :) Just hope that my weight doesn't spike again once I start eating normally, because that could be bad for next week's weigh in. Oh well, only time will tell.
Anyway, I'm still only semi lucid so might head back to my sick bed. Hope you're all doing well; I've been slack with my blog reading this week but promise I'll be back on board as soon as I'm healthy.
Take care
xxx
Monday, July 6, 2009
Hungry
Day three and still going strong – hooray!
I have been sooooo hungry over the last few days. I know my poor stretched stomach will get used to eating a smaller ‘normal’ amount of food soon and stop complaining so much, but in the meantime I’m almost dying! Today I was literally counting down the minutes until it was a semi-reasonable time for lunch, and even then ended up eating at 11:45. I know it will get easier, so I’m trying to hang in there.
I nearly cracked and ate two serves of dinner last night. Sunday afternoons/evenings have not been the happiest times for me lately – usually by about 3pm the anxiety about another looming work week starts to envelope me, and I begin to have anxious pangs thinking about all the things that could possibly go wrong during the next five days. Yesterday I was already feeling pretty low, being cooped up inside with my sickness and barely seeing M all weekend (he works in hospitality – crazy weekend hours), and then last night I had a teary outburst to mum over the phone and finally admitted to her that my job is making me unhappy.
In the meantime, I’d put two pita bread pizzas in the oven – one for dinner, and one to take to work today for lunch. After getting off the phone with mum I was starving, and gobbled up a pizza in next to no time. And then, guess what I wanted? That’s right – to eat the other one! I even had little voices in my head telling me ‘M isn’t home – nobody will know you made and ate a second pizza!’. Oh, how evil my head can be!
But I managed to resist. I made myself a cup of low-fat hot choccy, and told myself ‘no, dinner’s over’. I put on MasterChef and was so put off by watching them handle raw meat and intestines (there was a sausage-making challenge) that I forgot all about the second pizza! Woohoo.
It’s back to work today, and it seems that now that I’ve started to consider maybe looking for a new job the Universe is helping me along with that decision. Not that the day has been the worst, by far – there haven’t been any spelling mistakes on title pages or whole chapters left out of books today, which is always a good sign – but I have been yelled at by an author (over an issue with Australia Post - hate them) and had to deal with the most stupid client known to humankind. On the plus side, I’ve given the biscuit tin a sideways glance but nothing more. :)
Well, I’d best be off to do some more work before home time. Hope you’re all doing well and (if you’re in Melb) coping okay with the freezing weather!
xxx
I have been sooooo hungry over the last few days. I know my poor stretched stomach will get used to eating a smaller ‘normal’ amount of food soon and stop complaining so much, but in the meantime I’m almost dying! Today I was literally counting down the minutes until it was a semi-reasonable time for lunch, and even then ended up eating at 11:45. I know it will get easier, so I’m trying to hang in there.
I nearly cracked and ate two serves of dinner last night. Sunday afternoons/evenings have not been the happiest times for me lately – usually by about 3pm the anxiety about another looming work week starts to envelope me, and I begin to have anxious pangs thinking about all the things that could possibly go wrong during the next five days. Yesterday I was already feeling pretty low, being cooped up inside with my sickness and barely seeing M all weekend (he works in hospitality – crazy weekend hours), and then last night I had a teary outburst to mum over the phone and finally admitted to her that my job is making me unhappy.
In the meantime, I’d put two pita bread pizzas in the oven – one for dinner, and one to take to work today for lunch. After getting off the phone with mum I was starving, and gobbled up a pizza in next to no time. And then, guess what I wanted? That’s right – to eat the other one! I even had little voices in my head telling me ‘M isn’t home – nobody will know you made and ate a second pizza!’. Oh, how evil my head can be!
But I managed to resist. I made myself a cup of low-fat hot choccy, and told myself ‘no, dinner’s over’. I put on MasterChef and was so put off by watching them handle raw meat and intestines (there was a sausage-making challenge) that I forgot all about the second pizza! Woohoo.
It’s back to work today, and it seems that now that I’ve started to consider maybe looking for a new job the Universe is helping me along with that decision. Not that the day has been the worst, by far – there haven’t been any spelling mistakes on title pages or whole chapters left out of books today, which is always a good sign – but I have been yelled at by an author (over an issue with Australia Post - hate them) and had to deal with the most stupid client known to humankind. On the plus side, I’ve given the biscuit tin a sideways glance but nothing more. :)
Well, I’d best be off to do some more work before home time. Hope you’re all doing well and (if you’re in Melb) coping okay with the freezing weather!
xxx
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Back on the WW wagon
Hi everyone,
I'm back! Thank you all so much for your patience (and all the lovely comments and emails) during my absence. I had a few things to sort out in my head (and still do), but I'm finally feeling up to coming back here to share my various trials and tribulations (and, hopefully, successes!).
I went back to WW yesterday. After a week of even-worse-than-usual crazy and emotional eating that left me feeling bloated and miserable I finally snapped. I've been feeling so unmotivated over the last few months in regards to eating/exercise and knew I just needed to do something to get the fire started again. In desperation, I started researching the WW meeting options in the neighbourhood I work in (and where M and I are hoping to move to later this year), and discovered a Saturday morning under 35s meeting. Wooop! I've always liked the support and sense of community offered by WW meetings, but never felt as though I got much out of the discussions (which always seemed to be tailored for older people, families and stay at home mums), so thought an under 35s class sounded interesting. And it was!
On entering the meeting room I did a double take. Expecting to see a room full of women (as per every single WW meeting I've ever been to), I was really surprised to find that not only was the cashier/recorder a young bloke, but so was the leader! OMG!
Straight away I felt inspired and motivated by Andy (my leader; you can read a bit about him and see before and after pics here). I've always had leaders who have lost a relatively small amount of weight compared with what I have to lose, and while any amount of weight lost is a really significant achievement, I've always felt that they struggled to relate to and understand people with serious weight problems. Knowing that Andy has also been obese and managed to turn his life around is a real inspiration and comfort. Plus, he is friendly and funny to boot! :)
The class itself was fantastic. The discussion was about exercise, and it was so inspiring to hear young people who I could relate to talking about fitness classes, boxing, boot camp and the like. I actually felt proud to be sitting in the meeting among other young people wanting to take control of their health and wellbeing, whereas at meetings past I have sat right up the back feeling embarrassed and frumpy.
So, day 1 and the morning of day 2 are down and I have so far managed to stick to the plan - despite it being the weekend (my usual cue to slacken the reins a bit), and despite having a rotten cold at the moment and feeling a bit sorry for myself. I was quite hungry yesterday, and it really hit home just how much extra unneeded food I've been forcing through my gob hole lately in order to make myself feel better. I've been in the worst case of denial over the past few months, thinking I've been eating relatively healthily when I've probably been eating enough for two people most days. The final straw was getting on the scales yesterday and realising I've put on about 8kg of the weight I worked so hard to lose last year. I'm deliberately trying not to focus or calculate how many weeks of effort I've wasted (!) - I just want to use this as motivation to stop this nonsense and get back to treating myself well.
My main challenge is that work is still making me quite unhappy, and I'm a bit nervous about the impact that might have on my weight-loss efforts. If anyone else has been in a similar situation, I'd love to hear from you.
Anyway, my head is pounding so I'd better get back to my sick bed. I hope you're all well - looking forward to catching up on your worlds soon.
xxx
I'm back! Thank you all so much for your patience (and all the lovely comments and emails) during my absence. I had a few things to sort out in my head (and still do), but I'm finally feeling up to coming back here to share my various trials and tribulations (and, hopefully, successes!).
I went back to WW yesterday. After a week of even-worse-than-usual crazy and emotional eating that left me feeling bloated and miserable I finally snapped. I've been feeling so unmotivated over the last few months in regards to eating/exercise and knew I just needed to do something to get the fire started again. In desperation, I started researching the WW meeting options in the neighbourhood I work in (and where M and I are hoping to move to later this year), and discovered a Saturday morning under 35s meeting. Wooop! I've always liked the support and sense of community offered by WW meetings, but never felt as though I got much out of the discussions (which always seemed to be tailored for older people, families and stay at home mums), so thought an under 35s class sounded interesting. And it was!
On entering the meeting room I did a double take. Expecting to see a room full of women (as per every single WW meeting I've ever been to), I was really surprised to find that not only was the cashier/recorder a young bloke, but so was the leader! OMG!
Straight away I felt inspired and motivated by Andy (my leader; you can read a bit about him and see before and after pics here). I've always had leaders who have lost a relatively small amount of weight compared with what I have to lose, and while any amount of weight lost is a really significant achievement, I've always felt that they struggled to relate to and understand people with serious weight problems. Knowing that Andy has also been obese and managed to turn his life around is a real inspiration and comfort. Plus, he is friendly and funny to boot! :)
The class itself was fantastic. The discussion was about exercise, and it was so inspiring to hear young people who I could relate to talking about fitness classes, boxing, boot camp and the like. I actually felt proud to be sitting in the meeting among other young people wanting to take control of their health and wellbeing, whereas at meetings past I have sat right up the back feeling embarrassed and frumpy.
So, day 1 and the morning of day 2 are down and I have so far managed to stick to the plan - despite it being the weekend (my usual cue to slacken the reins a bit), and despite having a rotten cold at the moment and feeling a bit sorry for myself. I was quite hungry yesterday, and it really hit home just how much extra unneeded food I've been forcing through my gob hole lately in order to make myself feel better. I've been in the worst case of denial over the past few months, thinking I've been eating relatively healthily when I've probably been eating enough for two people most days. The final straw was getting on the scales yesterday and realising I've put on about 8kg of the weight I worked so hard to lose last year. I'm deliberately trying not to focus or calculate how many weeks of effort I've wasted (!) - I just want to use this as motivation to stop this nonsense and get back to treating myself well.
My main challenge is that work is still making me quite unhappy, and I'm a bit nervous about the impact that might have on my weight-loss efforts. If anyone else has been in a similar situation, I'd love to hear from you.
Anyway, my head is pounding so I'd better get back to my sick bed. I hope you're all well - looking forward to catching up on your worlds soon.
xxx
Monday, May 25, 2009
Hanging in there
When I’m not writing on my blog, you can pretty much guarantee that it’s because I’m feeling a bit low and don’t particularly want to talk about it. I feel so awful for abandoning all my blog/email buddies lately, but things have been a bit messed up in my head and it has been difficult to get my thoughts into words. (As such, I apologise in advance if this post is a little nonsensical!)
So, how am I going? When people ask me that, my automatic response is to smile and say ‘Great, thanks!’ – I’m a total people pleaser.
But the truth is, things are not great. I’ve had a lot on my plate (in more ways than one) and I’m really struggling to get through the emotional mess in my head.
I’ve seen my psych three times now, and she has been beyond amazing. For the last six years I’ve relied on Mr M to be my voice of reason (we’re complete opposites – I’m emotional; he’s rational, and knows me better than I know myself), but it’s so brilliant to have a third party who has no emotional involvement in me to talk to.
I just feel like I need to talk to her every day, at the moment. My sessions with her (and some books I’ve been reading) have opened up a bit of an emotional minefield, and I’m struggling to get through it all on my own.
I’m also struggling (REALLY struggling) with food and exercise. I guess it’s only natural to feel a bit ‘needy’ and emotionally drained when you start unearthing and actually dealing with your issues rather than sweeping them under the carpet… and since eating is the way I cope, that’s what I’ve been doing. But on top of all the emotional stuff, I’m now feeling anxious about my lack of control and apathy in the food and exercise department – especially since one of the main reasons I’m dealing with my issues is to help me lose weight! I feel as though I need to have some ‘time off’ from weight loss, to give me some room to deal with the emotional stuff; but I know if I do that all the weight I have lost so far will probably come straight back on – and more. (I put on 1.5kg this week without even trying.)
All of that said, I felt a little glimmer of hope when I came to work this morning. We’re about to send the huge project that has taken up 70% of my time for the past 12 months to press, and to say I’m delighted is an understatement. I’ve been working through my work-related issues with my psych, and I feel fairly confident that I’ll be able to put a few more boundaries around myself now to prevent me from taking on too much at work. My boss is well aware that I’m exhausted and heading towards ‘burnout land’, so I’m sure she’ll have my back. Now I really want to work out how to deal with the horrible anxious feelings that overcome me all day, every day from about 4pm Sunday afternoon to 5pm Friday afternoon. I do actually (mostly) really enjoy my days at work when I actually get here, but my increasing anxiety and worry over all the little things that could go wrong is sucking all the enjoyment out of it.
I’m trying a new tack with the food this week, too. I really need to get back to basics, and start listening to my body again rather than keep trying to restrict my eating, and then binging and banging my head against a brick wall. I’ve decided not to count points this week, but to make sure I write down every single thing I eat – whether it be an apple or two bowls of muesli in quick succession. I’m going to use a highlighter to highlight everything I eat when I’m NOT hungry. So far, my food diary is looking predominantly fluorescent yellow! It will be an interesting exercise, I think, and hopefully by ditching the points for awhile I’ll take the pressure off enough that I’ll feel less anxious about food, but won’t start eating everything in sight. I’ve also ordered some breakfasts and dinners from Lite n’ Easy, which I did a few years ago when I was coping with another stressful situation. I don’t plan to eat L&E forever, but I think it might help me to get through this bad patch.
So, that’s what’s happening in my world. I hope to be back a bit more regularly from now on – please don’t give up on me yet! I really appreciate all the love and support you guys give me, and I hope you’re not becoming too disenchanted with my irregular posting and commenting.
Until next time…
xxx
So, how am I going? When people ask me that, my automatic response is to smile and say ‘Great, thanks!’ – I’m a total people pleaser.
But the truth is, things are not great. I’ve had a lot on my plate (in more ways than one) and I’m really struggling to get through the emotional mess in my head.
I’ve seen my psych three times now, and she has been beyond amazing. For the last six years I’ve relied on Mr M to be my voice of reason (we’re complete opposites – I’m emotional; he’s rational, and knows me better than I know myself), but it’s so brilliant to have a third party who has no emotional involvement in me to talk to.
I just feel like I need to talk to her every day, at the moment. My sessions with her (and some books I’ve been reading) have opened up a bit of an emotional minefield, and I’m struggling to get through it all on my own.
I’m also struggling (REALLY struggling) with food and exercise. I guess it’s only natural to feel a bit ‘needy’ and emotionally drained when you start unearthing and actually dealing with your issues rather than sweeping them under the carpet… and since eating is the way I cope, that’s what I’ve been doing. But on top of all the emotional stuff, I’m now feeling anxious about my lack of control and apathy in the food and exercise department – especially since one of the main reasons I’m dealing with my issues is to help me lose weight! I feel as though I need to have some ‘time off’ from weight loss, to give me some room to deal with the emotional stuff; but I know if I do that all the weight I have lost so far will probably come straight back on – and more. (I put on 1.5kg this week without even trying.)
All of that said, I felt a little glimmer of hope when I came to work this morning. We’re about to send the huge project that has taken up 70% of my time for the past 12 months to press, and to say I’m delighted is an understatement. I’ve been working through my work-related issues with my psych, and I feel fairly confident that I’ll be able to put a few more boundaries around myself now to prevent me from taking on too much at work. My boss is well aware that I’m exhausted and heading towards ‘burnout land’, so I’m sure she’ll have my back. Now I really want to work out how to deal with the horrible anxious feelings that overcome me all day, every day from about 4pm Sunday afternoon to 5pm Friday afternoon. I do actually (mostly) really enjoy my days at work when I actually get here, but my increasing anxiety and worry over all the little things that could go wrong is sucking all the enjoyment out of it.
I’m trying a new tack with the food this week, too. I really need to get back to basics, and start listening to my body again rather than keep trying to restrict my eating, and then binging and banging my head against a brick wall. I’ve decided not to count points this week, but to make sure I write down every single thing I eat – whether it be an apple or two bowls of muesli in quick succession. I’m going to use a highlighter to highlight everything I eat when I’m NOT hungry. So far, my food diary is looking predominantly fluorescent yellow! It will be an interesting exercise, I think, and hopefully by ditching the points for awhile I’ll take the pressure off enough that I’ll feel less anxious about food, but won’t start eating everything in sight. I’ve also ordered some breakfasts and dinners from Lite n’ Easy, which I did a few years ago when I was coping with another stressful situation. I don’t plan to eat L&E forever, but I think it might help me to get through this bad patch.
So, that’s what’s happening in my world. I hope to be back a bit more regularly from now on – please don’t give up on me yet! I really appreciate all the love and support you guys give me, and I hope you’re not becoming too disenchanted with my irregular posting and commenting.
Until next time…
xxx
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